Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's a Girl!!! April 29, 2010

Yay!!!  Most of you were right!!!  A little girl is on the way!!   After a little while of playing shy, she gave us a peak and let us know we are having a girl!!!    And she is doing great!  Size, healthy, and strong heart beat! All things girly coming our way!  xoxoxo

Relaxing... all week! April 25-29th, 2010

So this week I have been relaxing and recovering; which is nice but also can be boring. I’m really not a big cleaner (big shock huh) but I have changed over my closet, cleared out the baby’s closet, helped my mom with my laundry and started to plan Sarah’s baby shower!! I even washed a few windows! I’m getting used to the drain tube, gross but interesting, and I’m able to move around more normally, even cuddle with Larry without fear I will tear it out. I'm still not loving this white tight fitting huge ugly velco bra! Can't wait to rip it off and run free for a few days! No results back yet but I’m sure they are coming soon. I haven’t even thought about it too much, except that my house is full of beautiful flowers, gifts and many cards!! I love it! Thank you all! But planning Sarah’s shower and thinking about baby stuff is way more fun!

Speaking of…… today is my ultrasound day!! Take two! Hopefully this time we will find out the sex! Any tips? I heard to drink Orange juice to make the baby more active! So I will try that soon!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Home resting... April 24, 2010

Yesterday wasn't too bad.  My parents and Larry were with me in pre-op and we all heard the baby's heart beat and some kicking around noises.  I wasn't as scared this time in the operating room.  I was probably in surgery for about 2-3 hours and then in recovery.  Again I was able to hear the heart beat!  I don't remember much but eventually I made it to my not so luxury overnight room, tried to eat, got sick, then eventually felt better, took pain meds and slept.  Hospitals love for you to get rest but have no problem waking you up every 2 hours to see how you are doing and take vitals, or put the lights on to chat with the person next to you.  My boob is still here, wrapped up in a not so sexy velcro bra.   My arm pit, under the gauze, has a drain tube coming out of it which leads to a rubber storage bottle.  Kind of looks like a squeeze juice bottle, filled with kool aid. Gross.  I think I will have it for a week.  Don't worry, Larry took pics! I am definitely much more sore then last time.  I can walk around and do most things but my left arm can't lift very high.

However I am very lucky.  Larry picked me up around noon today with a lovely bouquet of flowers.  Then I came home to a super clean house thanks to Nancy A and my mom.  Laundry done, floors washed, clean sheets on the bed and homemade brownies!  Can't thank them enough.  And more pretty yellow flowers all the way from California! Thanks Jasmine!!   Tonight and tomorrow I will be relaxing with Larry, hand on my baby belly, with flowers around me, teddy bears to cuddle with and good food to eat!  Thanks everyone for your cards, gifts, messages, thoughts and prayers!  I can't do this without you! xoxoxo

Friday, April 23, 2010

Surgery Take Two... April 23, 2010

So after talking with doctors for 2 days, I have learned a lot of things. To keep it simple, whether I do the second lumpectomy or a full mastectomy today it will not change my prognosis nor change my health risks. While a lumpectomy may not be ideal for doctors (nothing is ideal in this situation for me) it still is an option and they wouldn't agree to do it if they thought it was a waste of time or not helpful. I know some of you may not agree on my choice but for me having my surgeon try for a second lumpectomy today is a better choice than the full mastectomy, for more reasons than fear of losing my breast. My logic is to do this step by step, especially if it doesn’t change my prognosis. I know when I wake up this afternoon things could be different, depending on what the surgeon was able to get at today. And I know this may very likely mean I will need a mastectomy after I deliver the baby. I have thought about everything and made a decision and I know I will deal with the results and outcome next week and for the next few months or year. So anyways.. Off to the hospital again. Possible overnight stay in Boston in a 'luxury' room at the MGH hotel! I wish! Thanks for all your love and support. xoxoxo

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Still confused, boob or no boob. April 22, 2010

The more you know, the more confused you get.   Ignorance is bliss right?  Oh well, i would rather know everything.   I met with both a plastic surgeon and the breast surgeon.  Another sleepless night.  The plastic surgeon was helpful, made me understand what i can and will not be able to have done in the future.  Pictures actually looked better then i thought.  More on the choices another day, since i wont be having that done anytime soon.

My confusion is, once i told the breast surgeon i was scared and not ready to lose my breast she suggested we just do another lumpectomy, re-excision, and scoop out more tissue and hope for clear margins this time.  Also do more lymph nodes.   If i have clear margins i may not ever need a mastectomy.  Just chemo and radiation.  If i dont get clear margins again, i would have the mastectomy after i give birth with possible reconstruction then.  And in the meantime still do the chemo. Or i can go with the current plan to just have the mastectomy now and lose the boob tomorrow.  I just need to talk to my oncologist and determine if the re-excision is a safe and realistic approach given both the size of my breast and the pathology of the cancer.  

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Bye Bye Boobie countdown... 48 hours. April 21th, 2010

I haven't written in a few days because honestly this is a really, really hard situation for me to deal with and share. My mastectomy is scheduled for this Friday, April 23rd at 9:45 am. So guys or anyone who has ever wanted to see or feel my boobs, you have 48 hours. Being pregnant has already limited my underwear styles now bras too? You are supposed to be getting bigger boobs when pregnant not smaller!  But seriously, as of right now, I’m terrified and breakdown a lot. I sit and just hold my boob and cry. I'm just not ready to lose my breast. Maybe every girl can relate to me.. or at least those in their 30s and younger. I'm only 34, I have always loved my breasts, they're full, make me feel sexy and a woman. Part of my personality is to be playful and flirty esp with my friends... joking about my boobs, or letting them feel them. I'm sexual and not shy about sex. Hell I would rather they look and feel my boobs than my stomach! I don't want to lose them, or even just one of them. Why couldn't they have to remove some of my ass or thighs instead? I know, I know, people can say "but you can get news ones" and hopefully I can, but that seems so far away to me.

What about the next 6 months without one. How will I handle it? All these pretty Victoria Secret bra's are useless?  Will I be the same funny playful me? Or will my personality change? How will other people, friends, guy friends, react to me with one breast? And more importantly how will Larry be? Will he still be attracted to me? Will sex continue to be part of our relationship? As much as I know he loves me and as much as he reassures me nothing will change between us, neither of us know for sure how awkward it will be. These are all the questions and more that run through my head.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wigs and Cribs?!? April 17-18, 2010

Wow what a weekend! My BC crew is so amazing. Weekends are great times to distress and forget about the cancer for a while.. as much as you can.. but sometimes things have to get done. Today was a great combo. First the girls went with me to look at wigs. I was scared at first but after trying on a few it got better. The wigs aren't that bad, they look pretty real although I had a hard time adjusting to the different colors. Sorry Larry, I will not be going platinum blonde for you! We found a couple that would work, and matched my color well (minus my grays!) These were all synthetic which are easy to care for but I may try on some real hair ones as well this week. Then off to a fun lunch and then Babies R Us.

New moms to be - find an experienced mom to help you register!! OMG I think registering is more overwhelming then trying on wigs!!! There are 10 different kinds of everything, 10 different bottles, 10 different pacifiers, 10 different blankets, 10 differnt cups, bowls, and spoons! You need a seat for this age, and another seat when it is bigger, and a stroller for this and a stroller for that.. Choices are great but wow there are just soo many to choose from. Eventually I was just scanning anything. My moms were such a great help, telling us what works, what we need, and what is a waste of money. By then end of the shopping I had already forgotten about the wigs!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Haven't Met You Yet

When I hear this song from Michael Buble I think about our Baby.  Keeps me going!

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Well that explains it!

New study shows housework cuts breast cancer risk???   Guess I was doomed from the beginning!
P.S. girls:  do not show ths post to your husbands!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Cheers! Liver is good! April 15th, 2010

Finally a little good news this week.  My liver looks good! Cancer free from the ultrasound.  Sarah was with me today,  I had the ultrasound on so many organs, the tech even looked at my baby!  I got to see my baby again today rolling around moving its arms.  Then Sarah joined me and we waited.  The radiologist came in and said liver looks good and took a few looks himself and then said everything looks good.  Meanwhile we joked how Sarah is also pregnant and I asked the radiologist if they could quickly show Sarah my baby! He laughed and said yes, but I'm not doing it to her!  So Auntie Sarah saw her niece or nephew today!! Thanks everyone for the comments and support and keeping my spirits up!
So Cheers to a healthy liver!  Drink one for me!   xoxo

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Family trip to Dana Farber - results suck April 14, 2010

Since Larry is away... my loving family was there for me today, Sarah, Jesse, Mom and Dad, all packed into 1 small car together! Reminded me of Italy! Half way into the ride Jesse brings out his lunch box, napkin on his lap, enjoys a turkey sandwich and yogurt, and snacks were passed around for everyone! My family is great for some fun laughs in tough times!! First we met the nurse for an hour and then the oncologist for another 40 mins of questions. So yes, the margins were not clean, cancer cells spread out like fingers on some sides and the size measured once removed was 2.2 cm. 9 out of 10 lymph nodes had tumor in it as well. So where does that leave me for options? Well not many. I can have a mastectomy now, within next 2 weeks, then chemo, then deliver baby at about 36-38 weeks, then round 2 of chemo and radiation. Or I can have chemo within 2 weeks, deliver at 32-34 weeks, and then immediately have mastectomy, round 2 chemo and radiation. Either way, I have to have it all done, but also my baby will still be ok.

early morning wake up call 1 hour ago

fyi - i just got this news..  tears still rolling down my face so i apologize for the mistakes..  usually i proof read or at least spell check.
at 7:30 am i got a call, i was thinking it was larry but no it was my surgeon.   calling to tell me about the results - not sure why they didnt wait until i was at the doctors today at 1 but anyways.   more bad news.  they didnt get clear margins..  cancer cells were trailing off on some sides so it is still in my breast tissue.  and yes it is in my lymph nodes.    i really dont know much more..   i dont understand why they tell you the bad stuff, make your mind go crazy for 4 hours,  then tell you the options.    hopefully there are options.

Results Day!!! April 14th, 2010

I slept pretty good considering Larry is away for work and today is a big day.   Today I am going to Dana Farber with Sarah and my Mom to find out the results of the surgery.  Praying for clear margins and no cancer in the lymph nodes!!!!   I should also learn all about my chemo treatments.    And then either have lunch or ice cream!
Check back later tonight for results! xoxo

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Surgery and The Days After... April 8th - April 11th, 2010

The surgery went well, very long day, but in the end it went well. We got there around 11am, and I had the radioisotopes injected into me. Waited around and then went to pre-op where I had a bunch of nurses come talk to me, an IV hooked up, which was great since I was so dehydrated from the no food/liquid after midnight rule and heard the babies heart beat. Beating strong. Then around 2 pm I was wheeled into the operating room. Lying on the table, under the big lights, as all the masked doctors and machines beeping surround me, I had my breakdown. I was so good up until then! I wasn’t scared for me, just for the baby. So I cried for a little as all the nurses came over to hold me and reassure me everything would be ok. Took a few deep breaths into the mask and out I was, and baby too, under anesthesia. Bye bye lump! About 2 hours later I woke up barely, but wasn’t ready to see Larry, sorry babe. Soon I heard the doctor say the procedure went well, the tumor was small, about pea size, they removed it and a good amount around it. They also removed 3 lymph nodes, each about the size of a peanut! Soon after the nurse came in and I heard the babies heart beat again!! Strong again! Stronger than mine! I was so relieved. I saw Larry for a little, we exchanged notes and then I felt sick so he left. And I slept for 2 more hours! Again, sorry Larry! I think we are now even for time spent in a waiting room for spouse!

My Coach, My Cheerleaders and A Player... Flashback to March 19th, 2010

So many great friends have been emailing me and showing their support, my favorite cheerleader a close friend, shared this, “NGU; Never Give Up!” Some nights after crying or staring at the TV, my coach Larry would say, ok enough pity party, not just NGU, it’s SIU now; Suck It Up! While walking around Boston’s hospital area, Larry and I walked by Boston Children’s Hospital. We saw so many children, walking around, bald or with cute hats on their head, smiling or yawning. How can I sit and cry and complain when these children are going through the same thing at 8 years old! They should be playing and having fun, not going for treatments. That was it. I need to Own It! Like a bad gift someone close to you gives you; you didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, you cant give it away, so for now you own it! I have to Own this lousy Breast Cancer, Suck It Up, cry when I need to but stay strong, go to treatments and live as much of a “normal” life as I can and take some control back into my life, and Never Give Up for my baby and other women.

A New Team, A New Perspective Flashback to March 17th, 2010

We took the doctor’s opinion and got a second opinion and went to Dana Farber. Dana Farber is overwhelming in itself. Unlike the first hospital, this place was crowded with cancer patients, all ages, colors, and stages. Each floor had it’s own cancer specialty, but everywhere you looked you knew you were looking at a cancer patient or supporter. This waiting room had a much younger crowd mixed in with the “older” women. Many in wigs and scarves, even some men too.

So we waited our turn and met the surgeon, Dr. Gadd, who explained how her surgery would be very safe of the baby, and the scaring would be minimal since she liked to make the incision around the areola. The surgery will be to remove the small lump and a margin of tissue around the lump. They will check the margins and hope for “clear margins” meaning cancer wasn’t spreading out more in one or two directions and they “got it all”. They would also remove a couple of lymph nodes from my arm pit to test if the cancer cells have traveled into the lymphatic system. Both these will help with the “staging” of my breast cancer. Again, this surgery, even though I will be under anesthesia and receive radioisotopes, will be safe for the baby.

After a quick walk during lunch we met with Dr. Partridge, the medical oncologist who specializes in patients under 42 years old. Even though she was relatively young for a doctor, in her 11 years experience she had seen more the 400 women who were pregnant while battling breast cancer. 400 women in 11years, pregnant with breast cancer in the New England area alone, I guess I am not that unique! She knows what she is doing and that is reassuring. And all I needed to know to make my decision to go with her and the rest of the Dana Farber team.

Stop calling... stop calling... Flashback to March 15th, 2010

By the end of the first week this is how I felt from time to time… doctor calls have been non-stop; cancer, chemo, pregnancy, insurance, appointments and more appointments! … I just needed a break!
“Stop callin', stop callin'; I don't wanna think anymore!;
I left my head and my heart on the dance-floor
Stop callin', stop callin; I don't wanna talk anymore!;
I left my head and my heart on the dance-floor
Sometimes I feel like I live in grand central station
Tonight I’m not takin’ no calls
‘Cuz I’ll be dancin’”
Lady Gaga
Oh how I would do anything to be at club in NYC dancing the night away… .no worries in site! Or even just wake up from this nightmare and be at work! Careful what you ask for, my cell phone broke last night and I’m still without a phone!! But at least it’s quiet for 24 hours.   But remember all you 20 somethings; Live and Enjoy your life!! Cancer or not, you get old and tired real quick when you hit your 30s!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The good the bad and the ugly.. Today! April 8th, 2010

Ok I know I have skipped a few post, but since I made my blog public and have followers now, here is a quick update of where I am today. I am now being treated at Dana Farber. I have a surgeon, oncologist and high risk ob/gyn on my team.
The good: I am pregnant! And I am keeping my baby!
The bad: I have breast cancer. Her 2+ and I am having my lumpectomy today with sentinel node biopsy.
The ugly: Well the surgery of course, after applying some nipple numbing cream and taking a sedative, my breast will be cut open and the tumor removed. Both I and my baby will be under sedation during the surgery but once I wake up, so will the baby, and I will hear the heart beat today to reassure me everything has gone well.  

Strong women in my life… March 16th, 2010 and everyday

Over the last week or two I kept hearing, “you can do this, you are a strong person, you have been through tough times, you know you can get through this” and they are right, I know I am strong, emotional and strong, but do I really need another challenge in my life? Am I not strong enough? Can’t someone else have a chance to get strong? Ahh if only my physical body could reflect how “strong” I am! My muscles would be huge!

And I know I can get through this; but only because of the people in my life. My life has been full of strong women. When I was a very young girl I remember meeting Nancy A., to me she was a strong woman. She was working in her career and raising a family, and very successful with both. I knew I wanted to grow up and have both, a career and a family.

My best girlfriends, Michelle, Anne, Ashlee, Meghan, Kristen, Laura, Jasmine, Tijana, and my cousin Laura are strong women. They are educated women, take care of their families, work fulltime jobs and support their families and friends. They travel across the country on their own to pursue dreams.
My “fertility” friends, for years struggling to have just one child to love, trying month after month and year after year no matter how hurt the disappointments can be; they are strong women.

Slow down, and breathe… March 15th, 2010

As Larry and I were driving to yet another day at the doctors we questioned if moving so fast to have surgery was the right decision. It had only been 5 days. We didn’t even have a second opinion. But when you hear “Cancer” you think death, act fast and get it out of your body! We met with the medical oncologist, the chemo specialist. After another full 2 hours of cancer explanations she gave me the best advice and news of the week. Hold off on the surgery; give yourself some time to breathe. One week or two will not change anything. Ahhhh. Her news, she didn’t see why we had to decide about radiation or pregnancy and mastectomy. Chemo would happen before any of this. And maybe neither choice will be needed. There is no increase in your survival if you terminate your pregnancy. Go get a second opinion. So we did. And a better outlook was given.

My PR manager, my support group and my inspirations. March 13th, 2010

Throughout the weekend, as more and more friends and family learned about my breast cancer, the prayers began and their worry and concern took over. Since everyone wanted to give me space, or maybe didn’t know what to say to me, Sarah became my PR Manager! Everyone would email or call her for updates. I feel bad, she automatically took on this struggle with me, while she should be enjoying her first pregnancy too! We should be talking about baby names and morning sickness, not cancer treatments. But we will, and we do, now.  My sister, best friend, and now PR Manager, I probably should be paying her!

My husband, family and friends… and more friends… giving me support, messages, texts and prayers. And laughs… lots of laughs, some too dirty to share! “get the biggest implants you want!” “Free boob feels” or from Larry, “No Pity Parties!” “ Free breast exams from an expert!” Laughter definitely keeps it less stressful, so keep it coming, not much can offend me.

While spending the weekend reading every cancer website I could find, I came across two inspirations. First, as I was searching images of breast cancer, I came across a photographer who photographs breast cancer survivors. A week ago I was thinking about maternity photos, images of my baby resting on my breast and now I don’t know if I would have a baby or a breast to lay it on. His website had something different. Beautiful pictures, women showing courage, strength and happiness. These photos touched me so much, finally an image of peace, not pain. (a link to the photos will be added soon!)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My boob OR My baby??? March 12th, 2010

Friday… 3 doctors in one day. My second roller coaster ride is on its way. I learned more about cancer in 2 hours then I ever wanted to know, and then again with doctor #3 for 2 more hours, meeting with both the surgeon and the radiation oncologist. They wanted me on a fast track… surgery in 4 days and treatment soon after. Being pregnant I couldn’t have an MRI, and at that time, there wasn’t a safe way they could determine if it had spread past that lump. The doctors said so much, but all I remember that day was the outcome and my choice, I was pregnant, I have cancer, like this, I couldn’t have radiation. So if I wanted the best survival rate, I would have to choose 1 of two options: Keep my pregnancy but have a mastectomy. Or terminate my pregnancy, not need a mastectomy, and could then have radiation. In a couple weeks I needed to decide, do I want my boob or my baby??? Who makes a decision like this so quickly?? Larry and I are engineers, everyone knows we don’t make quick decisions. We gather all the facts, think about all options and outcomes, wait and think again, and then when ready, we make a decision.

Speechless…. March 11th, 2010

1 week ago I told the world I was pregnant and now I have breast cancer. As my mind relived the day before… And raced with what will happen to me… I had nothing to say. Life had just given me my biggest dream and now it was threatened.
”… I can’t believe what you said to me Last night when we were alone…You threw your hands up Baby you gave up, you gave up… You popped my heart seams On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams…How? How? How? Wow…Oh boy you’ve left me speechless, You’ve left me speechless, so speechless” 
Lady Gaga
Oh and I love Lady Gaga! Music may make me cry sometimes... but it also relaxes me.  Especially singing while driving alone, with the music turned up so loud no one can hear me!

Fasten your seatbelt; you’re going on another ride! March 9th, 2010

Did I mention I HATE roller coasters and amusement parks?

I went in to the Breast Clinic, one of the youngest women in the room. I tried to remain strong, but I was scared. Because I was pregnant, I couldn’t have a mammogram so I was given a breast ultrasound. And there is was, my lump on the screen. Not nearly as exciting as looking at my baby. The doctor measured and took pictures and determined it was not a cyst. My heart and hope dropped a little. But still it could be just a fibroid. The only way to know was to do a needle biopsy, and within a half hour, 6 pieces of my tumor had been removed for diagnostic testing. I left scared, frightened, but again was told the chances are so small that it was cancer. Up and down. That happiness I just had last week was put on hold for a night as I waited for the results. And then March 10th came. (Read first post for details of that day)

The 12 week Ultrasound and the Lump. March 3, 2010

The day has come! 12 weeks, time to see our baby! The ultrasound was amazing! The baby looked like it waved to us, moving all around! How incredible for something so small to have so many features. Like most parents, we were amazed, relieved, thankful and for us, the happiest we had been in 4 years! We were having a baby, and had the ultrasound pictures to prove it! And yes, that day we told everyone else we knew.

After the ultrasound we met with the OB and I had an exam. During the breast exam, she felt a lump on my left breast. I remember Larry had felt a lump a week or so back, and asked me about it, but I thought, being pregnant, my body and breast were changing and I wasn’t concerned. To be thorough, the doctor suggested I go have a breast ultrasound but assured me not to worry, 90% of breast lumps are cysts or non cancerous tissue masses. For the next few days it was on my mind, but I decided to stop worrying about it. I was only 34, there was no history of breast cancer in my family, why would I have cancer? The chances are so small. And I was pregnant! And I deserve to be excited about it! So I was.

Positive test result!!! Jan 5th, 2010

I remember that day so clearly. The doctor’s office called, my voicemail had a new message. I couldn’t wait until I got home and my sister couldn’t either. My friend Tijana and I went to a private area at work, and on speaker, listened to the message together. “I am happy to tell you, you have a positive pregnancy test result.” We screamed! I cried! My first positive pregnancy test ever! I quickly called Sarah (yes, before Larry) and then Larry and my mom and soon after my friends. A few days later my second test and yes, I’m still pregnant! I was never so excited, so ecstatic! Finally!

To make it even better, Sarah was having a baby too! And as fate may have it, we were both due on Sept 12th! It is so wonderful to be able to go through this experience with both your husband and your best friend! Maybe this is why it took me so long to get pregnant? So Larry and I could share the journey with Sarah and Jesse!

The roller coaster ride. Flashback to Nov 2006 to Dec 2009

Our journey to get pregnant was a rollercoaster ride on its own. After a year of trying on our own, in November of 2006 we met with Boston IVF. They were optimistic, suggesting in just a few months we could be pregnant. There are many advancements and options for a couple these days. I could probably create a whole blog dedicated to the ups and downs we went through to get pregnant but I will try and make it short.

Larry has crohn’s disease, which after a couple of years, he was doing great, managing his symptoms with medications and yearly checkup. Since he was doing well, a urologist suggested he stop the medication to better improve our chances to get pregnant naturally. And being the selfless person he is, Larry stopped his meds. 5 months later (May 07) he was in the emergency room with a blocked intestine, about to perforate, which ended in surgery that removed 2 ft of his intestines. 2 months later he had his second surgery and spent another week in the hospital. Having a baby is not worth risking losing my husband! Baby plans were put on hold until his health was back to normal about 6 months later.

And so it begins…March 10th, 2010

I was driving home from work. I left early knowing I would get “The Call” around 5pm on Wed afternoon, but heading up RT 9, about 1 mile before my neighborhood, my cell phone rang. I looked down and knew it was the doctor calling about my results. I wanted to answer and say, can you please call my husband instead but I took a deep breath, said everything will be ok and said “hi, this is Rebecca”. Immediately I could tell from her voice that it wasn’t the best news, but still hopeful, I listened. “I’m sorry these are not the results we had hoped for.” My heart and head just stopped, my car went into auto drive. Tears began to roll down my face as the doctor explained - infiltrating ductal carcinoma. Carcinoma, cancer. Ductal, in my breast. Infiltrating? She explained, means invasive. I stopped listening as she explained more details, made it to my garage and closed my eyes and held my lower stomach. More words came, small tumor, surgeon, radiation, oncologist, treatment, chemo, act fast, and one more time, I’m sorry this was the result; we will do everything for you and your baby. You and you’re baby will be ok. My baby, holding my stomach more, after 4 long years of trying to conceive, I was finally pregnant with my first baby, 13 weeks and 2 days.