Wigs and Cribs?!? April 17-18, 2010

Wow what a weekend! My BC crew is so amazing. Weekends are great times to distress and forget about the cancer for a while.. as much as you can.. but sometimes things have to get done. Today was a great combo. First the girls went with me to look at wigs. I was scared at first but after trying on a few it got better. The wigs aren't that bad, they look pretty real although I had a hard time adjusting to the different colors. Sorry Larry, I will not be going platinum blonde for you! We found a couple that would work, and matched my color well (minus my grays!) These were all synthetic which are easy to care for but I may try on some real hair ones as well this week. Then off to a fun lunch and then Babies R Us.

New moms to be - find an experienced mom to help you register!! OMG I think registering is more overwhelming then trying on wigs!!! There are 10 different kinds of everything, 10 different bottles, 10 different pacifiers, 10 different blankets, 10 differnt cups, bowls, and spoons! You need a seat for this age, and another seat when it is bigger, and a stroller for this and a stroller for that.. Choices are great but wow there are just soo many to choose from. Eventually I was just scanning anything. My moms were such a great help, telling us what works, what we need, and what is a waste of money. By then end of the shopping I had already forgotten about the wigs!

Family trip to Dana Farber - results suck April 14, 2010

Since Larry is away... my loving family was there for me today, Sarah, Jesse, Mom and Dad, all packed into 1 small car together! Reminded me of Italy! Half way into the ride Jesse brings out his lunch box, napkin on his lap, enjoys a turkey sandwich and yogurt, and snacks were passed around for everyone! My family is great for some fun laughs in tough times!! First we met the nurse for an hour and then the oncologist for another 40 mins of questions. So yes, the margins were not clean, cancer cells spread out like fingers on some sides and the size measured once removed was 2.2 cm. 9 out of 10 lymph nodes had tumor in it as well. So where does that leave me for options? Well not many. I can have a mastectomy now, within next 2 weeks, then chemo, then deliver baby at about 36-38 weeks, then round 2 of chemo and radiation. Or I can have chemo within 2 weeks, deliver at 32-34 weeks, and then immediately have mastectomy, round 2 chemo and radiation. Either way, I have to have it all done, but also my baby will still be ok.

Surgery and The Days After... April 8th - April 11th, 2010

The surgery went well, very long day, but in the end it went well. We got there around 11am, and I had the radioisotopes injected into me. Waited around and then went to pre-op where I had a bunch of nurses come talk to me, an IV hooked up, which was great since I was so dehydrated from the no food/liquid after midnight rule and heard the babies heart beat. Beating strong. Then around 2 pm I was wheeled into the operating room. Lying on the table, under the big lights, as all the masked doctors and machines beeping surround me, I had my breakdown. I was so good up until then! I wasn’t scared for me, just for the baby. So I cried for a little as all the nurses came over to hold me and reassure me everything would be ok. Took a few deep breaths into the mask and out I was, and baby too, under anesthesia. Bye bye lump! About 2 hours later I woke up barely, but wasn’t ready to see Larry, sorry babe. Soon I heard the doctor say the procedure went well, the tumor was small, about pea size, they removed it and a good amount around it. They also removed 3 lymph nodes, each about the size of a peanut! Soon after the nurse came in and I heard the babies heart beat again!! Strong again! Stronger than mine! I was so relieved. I saw Larry for a little, we exchanged notes and then I felt sick so he left. And I slept for 2 more hours! Again, sorry Larry! I think we are now even for time spent in a waiting room for spouse!

My Coach, My Cheerleaders and A Player... Flashback to March 19th, 2010

So many great friends have been emailing me and showing their support, my favorite cheerleader a close friend, shared this, “NGU; Never Give Up!” Some nights after crying or staring at the TV, my coach Larry would say, ok enough pity party, not just NGU, it’s SIU now; Suck It Up! While walking around Boston’s hospital area, Larry and I walked by Boston Children’s Hospital. We saw so many children, walking around, bald or with cute hats on their head, smiling or yawning. How can I sit and cry and complain when these children are going through the same thing at 8 years old! They should be playing and having fun, not going for treatments. That was it. I need to Own It! Like a bad gift someone close to you gives you; you didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, you cant give it away, so for now you own it! I have to Own this lousy Breast Cancer, Suck It Up, cry when I need to but stay strong, go to treatments and live as much of a “normal” life as I can and take some control back into my life, and Never Give Up for my baby and other women.

Strong women in my life… March 16th, 2010 and everyday

Over the last week or two I kept hearing, “you can do this, you are a strong person, you have been through tough times, you know you can get through this” and they are right, I know I am strong, emotional and strong, but do I really need another challenge in my life? Am I not strong enough? Can’t someone else have a chance to get strong? Ahh if only my physical body could reflect how “strong” I am! My muscles would be huge!

And I know I can get through this; but only because of the people in my life. My life has been full of strong women. When I was a very young girl I remember meeting Nancy A., to me she was a strong woman. She was working in her career and raising a family, and very successful with both. I knew I wanted to grow up and have both, a career and a family.

My best girlfriends, Michelle, Anne, Ashlee, Meghan, Kristen, Laura, Jasmine, Tijana, and my cousin Laura are strong women. They are educated women, take care of their families, work fulltime jobs and support their families and friends. They travel across the country on their own to pursue dreams.
My “fertility” friends, for years struggling to have just one child to love, trying month after month and year after year no matter how hurt the disappointments can be; they are strong women.

My PR manager, my support group and my inspirations. March 13th, 2010

Throughout the weekend, as more and more friends and family learned about my breast cancer, the prayers began and their worry and concern took over. Since everyone wanted to give me space, or maybe didn’t know what to say to me, Sarah became my PR Manager! Everyone would email or call her for updates. I feel bad, she automatically took on this struggle with me, while she should be enjoying her first pregnancy too! We should be talking about baby names and morning sickness, not cancer treatments. But we will, and we do, now.  My sister, best friend, and now PR Manager, I probably should be paying her!

My husband, family and friends… and more friends… giving me support, messages, texts and prayers. And laughs… lots of laughs, some too dirty to share! “get the biggest implants you want!” “Free boob feels” or from Larry, “No Pity Parties!” “ Free breast exams from an expert!” Laughter definitely keeps it less stressful, so keep it coming, not much can offend me.

While spending the weekend reading every cancer website I could find, I came across two inspirations. First, as I was searching images of breast cancer, I came across a photographer who photographs breast cancer survivors. A week ago I was thinking about maternity photos, images of my baby resting on my breast and now I don’t know if I would have a baby or a breast to lay it on. His website had something different. Beautiful pictures, women showing courage, strength and happiness. These photos touched me so much, finally an image of peace, not pain. (a link to the photos will be added soon!)