Wigs and Cribs?!? April 17-18, 2010

Wow what a weekend! My BC crew is so amazing. Weekends are great times to distress and forget about the cancer for a while.. as much as you can.. but sometimes things have to get done. Today was a great combo. First the girls went with me to look at wigs. I was scared at first but after trying on a few it got better. The wigs aren't that bad, they look pretty real although I had a hard time adjusting to the different colors. Sorry Larry, I will not be going platinum blonde for you! We found a couple that would work, and matched my color well (minus my grays!) These were all synthetic which are easy to care for but I may try on some real hair ones as well this week. Then off to a fun lunch and then Babies R Us.

New moms to be - find an experienced mom to help you register!! OMG I think registering is more overwhelming then trying on wigs!!! There are 10 different kinds of everything, 10 different bottles, 10 different pacifiers, 10 different blankets, 10 differnt cups, bowls, and spoons! You need a seat for this age, and another seat when it is bigger, and a stroller for this and a stroller for that.. Choices are great but wow there are just soo many to choose from. Eventually I was just scanning anything. My moms were such a great help, telling us what works, what we need, and what is a waste of money. By then end of the shopping I had already forgotten about the wigs!

Haven't Met You Yet

When I hear this song from Michael Buble I think about our Baby.  Keeps me going!

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Cheers! Liver is good! April 15th, 2010

Finally a little good news this week.  My liver looks good! Cancer free from the ultrasound.  Sarah was with me today,  I had the ultrasound on so many organs, the tech even looked at my baby!  I got to see my baby again today rolling around moving its arms.  Then Sarah joined me and we waited.  The radiologist came in and said liver looks good and took a few looks himself and then said everything looks good.  Meanwhile we joked how Sarah is also pregnant and I asked the radiologist if they could quickly show Sarah my baby! He laughed and said yes, but I'm not doing it to her!  So Auntie Sarah saw her niece or nephew today!! Thanks everyone for the comments and support and keeping my spirits up!
So Cheers to a healthy liver!  Drink one for me!   xoxo

Family trip to Dana Farber - results suck April 14, 2010

Since Larry is away... my loving family was there for me today, Sarah, Jesse, Mom and Dad, all packed into 1 small car together! Reminded me of Italy! Half way into the ride Jesse brings out his lunch box, napkin on his lap, enjoys a turkey sandwich and yogurt, and snacks were passed around for everyone! My family is great for some fun laughs in tough times!! First we met the nurse for an hour and then the oncologist for another 40 mins of questions. So yes, the margins were not clean, cancer cells spread out like fingers on some sides and the size measured once removed was 2.2 cm. 9 out of 10 lymph nodes had tumor in it as well. So where does that leave me for options? Well not many. I can have a mastectomy now, within next 2 weeks, then chemo, then deliver baby at about 36-38 weeks, then round 2 of chemo and radiation. Or I can have chemo within 2 weeks, deliver at 32-34 weeks, and then immediately have mastectomy, round 2 chemo and radiation. Either way, I have to have it all done, but also my baby will still be ok.

Surgery and The Days After... April 8th - April 11th, 2010

The surgery went well, very long day, but in the end it went well. We got there around 11am, and I had the radioisotopes injected into me. Waited around and then went to pre-op where I had a bunch of nurses come talk to me, an IV hooked up, which was great since I was so dehydrated from the no food/liquid after midnight rule and heard the babies heart beat. Beating strong. Then around 2 pm I was wheeled into the operating room. Lying on the table, under the big lights, as all the masked doctors and machines beeping surround me, I had my breakdown. I was so good up until then! I wasn’t scared for me, just for the baby. So I cried for a little as all the nurses came over to hold me and reassure me everything would be ok. Took a few deep breaths into the mask and out I was, and baby too, under anesthesia. Bye bye lump! About 2 hours later I woke up barely, but wasn’t ready to see Larry, sorry babe. Soon I heard the doctor say the procedure went well, the tumor was small, about pea size, they removed it and a good amount around it. They also removed 3 lymph nodes, each about the size of a peanut! Soon after the nurse came in and I heard the babies heart beat again!! Strong again! Stronger than mine! I was so relieved. I saw Larry for a little, we exchanged notes and then I felt sick so he left. And I slept for 2 more hours! Again, sorry Larry! I think we are now even for time spent in a waiting room for spouse!

My Coach, My Cheerleaders and A Player... Flashback to March 19th, 2010

So many great friends have been emailing me and showing their support, my favorite cheerleader a close friend, shared this, “NGU; Never Give Up!” Some nights after crying or staring at the TV, my coach Larry would say, ok enough pity party, not just NGU, it’s SIU now; Suck It Up! While walking around Boston’s hospital area, Larry and I walked by Boston Children’s Hospital. We saw so many children, walking around, bald or with cute hats on their head, smiling or yawning. How can I sit and cry and complain when these children are going through the same thing at 8 years old! They should be playing and having fun, not going for treatments. That was it. I need to Own It! Like a bad gift someone close to you gives you; you didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, you cant give it away, so for now you own it! I have to Own this lousy Breast Cancer, Suck It Up, cry when I need to but stay strong, go to treatments and live as much of a “normal” life as I can and take some control back into my life, and Never Give Up for my baby and other women.

The good the bad and the ugly.. Today! April 8th, 2010

Ok I know I have skipped a few post, but since I made my blog public and have followers now, here is a quick update of where I am today. I am now being treated at Dana Farber. I have a surgeon, oncologist and high risk ob/gyn on my team.
The good: I am pregnant! And I am keeping my baby!
The bad: I have breast cancer. Her 2+ and I am having my lumpectomy today with sentinel node biopsy.
The ugly: Well the surgery of course, after applying some nipple numbing cream and taking a sedative, my breast will be cut open and the tumor removed. Both I and my baby will be under sedation during the surgery but once I wake up, so will the baby, and I will hear the heart beat today to reassure me everything has gone well.  
xoxo

My boob OR My baby??? March 12th, 2010

Friday… 3 doctors in one day. My second roller coaster ride is on its way. I learned more about cancer in 2 hours then I ever wanted to know, and then again with doctor #3 for 2 more hours, meeting with both the surgeon and the radiation oncologist. They wanted me on a fast track… surgery in 4 days and treatment soon after. Being pregnant I couldn’t have an MRI, and at that time, there wasn’t a safe way they could determine if it had spread past that lump. The doctors said so much, but all I remember that day was the outcome and my choice, I was pregnant, I have cancer, like this, I couldn’t have radiation. So if I wanted the best survival rate, I would have to choose 1 of two options: Keep my pregnancy but have a mastectomy. Or terminate my pregnancy, not need a mastectomy, and could then have radiation. In a couple weeks I needed to decide, do I want my boob or my baby??? Who makes a decision like this so quickly?? Larry and I are engineers, everyone knows we don’t make quick decisions. We gather all the facts, think about all options and outcomes, wait and think again, and then when ready, we make a decision.

The 12 week Ultrasound and the Lump. March 3, 2010

The day has come! 12 weeks, time to see our baby! The ultrasound was amazing! The baby looked like it waved to us, moving all around! How incredible for something so small to have so many features. Like most parents, we were amazed, relieved, thankful and for us, the happiest we had been in 4 years! We were having a baby, and had the ultrasound pictures to prove it! And yes, that day we told everyone else we knew.

After the ultrasound we met with the OB and I had an exam. During the breast exam, she felt a lump on my left breast. I remember Larry had felt a lump a week or so back, and asked me about it, but I thought, being pregnant, my body and breast were changing and I wasn’t concerned. To be thorough, the doctor suggested I go have a breast ultrasound but assured me not to worry, 90% of breast lumps are cysts or non cancerous tissue masses. For the next few days it was on my mind, but I decided to stop worrying about it. I was only 34, there was no history of breast cancer in my family, why would I have cancer? The chances are so small. And I was pregnant! And I deserve to be excited about it! So I was.

The roller coaster ride. Flashback to Nov 2006 to Dec 2009

Our journey to get pregnant was a rollercoaster ride on its own. After a year of trying on our own, in November of 2006 we met with Boston IVF. They were optimistic, suggesting in just a few months we could be pregnant. There are many advancements and options for a couple these days. I could probably create a whole blog dedicated to the ups and downs we went through to get pregnant but I will try and make it short.

Larry has crohn’s disease, which after a couple of years, he was doing great, managing his symptoms with medications and yearly checkup. Since he was doing well, a urologist suggested he stop the medication to better improve our chances to get pregnant naturally. And being the selfless person he is, Larry stopped his meds. 5 months later (May 07) he was in the emergency room with a blocked intestine, about to perforate, which ended in surgery that removed 2 ft of his intestines. 2 months later he had his second surgery and spent another week in the hospital. Having a baby is not worth risking losing my husband! Baby plans were put on hold until his health was back to normal about 6 months later.