My boob OR My baby??? March 12th, 2010

Friday… 3 doctors in one day. My second roller coaster ride is on its way. I learned more about cancer in 2 hours then I ever wanted to know, and then again with doctor #3 for 2 more hours, meeting with both the surgeon and the radiation oncologist. They wanted me on a fast track… surgery in 4 days and treatment soon after. Being pregnant I couldn’t have an MRI, and at that time, there wasn’t a safe way they could determine if it had spread past that lump. The doctors said so much, but all I remember that day was the outcome and my choice, I was pregnant, I have cancer, like this, I couldn’t have radiation. So if I wanted the best survival rate, I would have to choose 1 of two options: Keep my pregnancy but have a mastectomy. Or terminate my pregnancy, not need a mastectomy, and could then have radiation. In a couple weeks I needed to decide, do I want my boob or my baby??? Who makes a decision like this so quickly?? Larry and I are engineers, everyone knows we don’t make quick decisions. We gather all the facts, think about all options and outcomes, wait and think again, and then when ready, we make a decision.
 Again a speechless night, full of tears and breakdowns and so many hugs from Larry. And the occasional laugh. He has an amazing ability to make light jokes and break my tears with some laughs of love. I need him to be strong and he is.  By now, I would have enjoyed some wine, a bottle or two! But since I am pregnant, no wine, but there is chocolate! 
Of course for so many people maybe this would be an easy choice, a boob is just a body part, and the baby is your future. And yes, on paper it seems like an easy choice. 

What people may not understand is all the “what ifs” that go through your mind. This “having a child” dream was a new reality. After 4 years of trying to get pregnant, in my head I had already thought about a life without children. And then, I am only 34. I like my boobs! One of my favorite body parts, and now I want to disfigure myself? How would Larry react to the scars? Or a one boobed wife? Yea I could easily laugh it off and say “ but I can get implants” but even that’s not right away. Plus all I ever wanted was a lift! I have wanted this pregnancy for so long, what if at 34 this is my only chance to have a baby?? I’m not 20, this wasn’t an easy for me to get pregnant. I don’t have many years left to try. But most importantly, what if I didn’t terminate my pregnancy and held off on the radiation and instead increased my risk. What if I had a baby and then in 2 years I died, leaving my baby and my husband without me. I know it’s nice to have a choice. And I know my husband, family and friends will stick by me no matter what… but what really was the best choice for me to live the longest???
I just didn’t know. And for 3 days I cried and went back and forth. Up and down on my rollercoaster ride.