Bye Bye Boobie countdown... 48 hours. April 21th, 2010

I haven't written in a few days because honestly this is a really, really hard situation for me to deal with and share. My mastectomy is scheduled for this Friday, April 23rd at 9:45 am. So guys or anyone who has ever wanted to see or feel my boobs, you have 48 hours. Being pregnant has already limited my underwear styles now bras too? You are supposed to be getting bigger boobs when pregnant not smaller!  But seriously, as of right now, I’m terrified and breakdown a lot. I sit and just hold my boob and cry. I'm just not ready to lose my breast. Maybe every girl can relate to me.. or at least those in their 30s and younger. I'm only 34, I have always loved my breasts, they're full, make me feel sexy and a woman. Part of my personality is to be playful and flirty esp with my friends... joking about my boobs, or letting them feel them. I'm sexual and not shy about sex. Hell I would rather they look and feel my boobs than my stomach! I don't want to lose them, or even just one of them. Why couldn't they have to remove some of my ass or thighs instead? I know, I know, people can say "but you can get news ones" and hopefully I can, but that seems so far away to me.

What about the next 6 months without one. How will I handle it? All these pretty Victoria Secret bra's are useless?  Will I be the same funny playful me? Or will my personality change? How will other people, friends, guy friends, react to me with one breast? And more importantly how will Larry be? Will he still be attracted to me? Will sex continue to be part of our relationship? As much as I know he loves me and as much as he reassures me nothing will change between us, neither of us know for sure how awkward it will be. These are all the questions and more that run through my head.
I think this is so hard to deal with because 2 months ago, this didn't cross my mind, and then 3 weeks ago I was relieved to think ok just a lumpectomy, my breast will still be full and normal looking. Losing my hair through chemo I am accepting, wigs aren't that bad, my hair will grow back. I'm not even as worried about the surgery itself since everything went well last time. But this mastectomy, this disfigurement, and for how long will I look so abnormal or worse, feel abnormal? My boob won’t grow back.

I think this is when it finally fit me that I have Breast Cancer and it is serious. Doctors’ visits and the lumpectomy were not as visible or permanent in my mind. I could go hours and even a day or so with friends and not really think about it. This disfigurement (urgh, I need to use a better word), this surgery, will be such an everyday in your face YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER reminder. How am I going to overcome that? I know my close friends and family will treat me the same. I just have to believe that in myself too. All I can hope is that this pregnant belly gets so big it distracts me, or like Larry says, maybe we can train your uterus to push your stomach up to your left boob area. For someone who over thinks and over thinks about every detail some more, and who needs to know and understand possible outcomes, to just feel so unsure and lost is just making me scared and harder for me to accept this surgery and Breast Cancer.

So today will hopefully help my confusion and acceptance. We meet with a plastic surgeon so I can learn about future reconstruction. And then meet with my surgeon so we can ask questions and better understand what I will be like next week. All I need to keep in my head is I need to remove the cancer to live and be a wife and mom. I'm trying but it is hard today.